It's time for another quarter year update and I can't believe 2016 is half way complete. The time is just flying by, but I guess that's just because I've been super busy with my studies. Life has been really hard these past 3 months, but I'm keeping my head above water. Staying true to the last update, I've been focusing hard on self care. It hasn't been easy, but I feel good about it. This is a hard phase in my life, but I think if I play it out right, it will be one of the most important.
I only recently finished Uni for the semester, and boy was it crazy. I found out a week before exams that the history unit that had been eating up all my time and causing me the most stress wasn't even a compulsory unit. It's compulsory for a Japanese major, not a minor OTL
So that was a pretty big hit to take, but I did make a good friend that I wouldn't have met if I never took that class, so it's not all bad.
After 14 hard and long weeks of studying, I'm able to speak tourist level Japanese, so that's pretty cool. Japanese is a wacky language, I'll tell you right now. It was amusing to see all the crazy anime fans realize that Japanese is not all kawaii and oppai and eventually calm the fuck down and start being humble like the rest of us. Although it's hard, learning a new language is really rewarding and I can't wait to build up more confidence with it.
So after a hard semester of studying Japanese, Asian history and editing, I finally made it out the other side. I had my fun being able to just focus purely on my studies without having to worry about many outside forces. It was a nice break from reality; but unfortunately, the real world is always there. Being a student and all, I'm running out of money fast, so after exams, I decided to start getting my shit together. I'm applying for jobs left and right, making those doctor appointments I've been putting off, and finally taking some control of my future.
I've been mentioning here that there a project I've been working on and I'm so happy that I finally get to reveal to you guys what it is~
After the semester finished, I scraped together my savings and put down my payment to secure my place in Augusts specialist body piercing course. Piercing is something I've wanted to get into for a long time, and I'm so excited that I can finally start taking steps to making my dream a reality. It may not end up taking me anywhere life changing, but I'm grateful that I wont have to wonder 'what if' for much longer.
My mental state, I'll admit, is the worst it's been in years. Losing my job meant losing money, which meant losing control of a lot of the smaller aspects of my life. I can't eat what I want, catch the bus when I want, I can't go out with friends unless it's free, my Uni fees are more daunting then ever, and any glimmer of hope I previously had of being able to move out of home has been crushed. On top of all that, a really toxic friend who I cut off for my own self care has come back into my life. Unfortunately, the rest of my friend group has decided to let them back in, which means I have to either sacrifice my progress and put up with them, or stop seeing my friends. It's been shitty. Like, really shitty.
Anyway, so that sucks. Everything piling up on top of everything else has kind of weighed me down a lot these past few months, and I've been the most suicidal I have ever been in my life. This whole being poor thing has made life really limiting to the point where I'm not enjoying anything. And then this whole friend thing is impacting the limited good times I could have. It's beginning to feel like nobody would care if I just disappeared. The only thing keeping me on this Earth right now is my sister.
I've been watching a few suicide prevention videos, but the one that struck me the most was by Anna Akana called 'please don't kill yourself'. Anna made a video about the impact her sisters suicide has had on her entire life and even her own personality. It's really heavy and really makes you think about what you leave behind. I feel like the friends in my social circle honestly wouldn't care if I was gone. I mean, sure, they would be sad. But I feel like there would be a twinge of relief. But my sister, I couldn't do that to her. I don't want to hurt the people who need me. Even if there aren't many anymore, that's my parents, my sister, and my best friend who get changed forever and I don't want to put them through that.
I want to see if I can get to a point where I want to be alive; where I'm excited to get out of bed and live. I know I have potential, it's just restricted by my life situation right now. These problems are solvable. They're hard, but solvable. I can find a new job, it will take a while due to the position I was put in, but it's entirely possible. I can find friends who really do care about me. Finding good people in this world is difficult, but possible. Everything is going to be hard for a while, but nothing will improve if I give up now, I know that.
Let's see what happens.
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