I can't believe we've already made it through a quarter of this year! I began 2016 with thoughts of self improvement and satisfaction. There were three things I was sure of:
1. I was going to go to Japan in November
2. I was going to quit the job I hated
3. I was going to focus on self care and put myself first.
But, as we all know, life has its way of making sure you remember your place.
January was a dream. I had a lot of fun with friends, and a lot of fun times by myself, too. I went shopping, ate good food and made sure to enjoy myself. All my plans I had for 2016 I had figured out would cost me $6000, and at the end of January, I had hit my target.
February was the month where it was all supposed to come together. I was financially comfortable and my savings were only going up. My friend and I had just finished scouting travel agents and found a package and price we were happy with so we could finally make Japan happen. I studied super hard and got qualified in CPR, general first aid and emergency life support (this will hopefully become relevant in a few months, as I'm working on something big). Everything was looking great, so I tried to take another step forward. I told my friend I was ready to put down my deposit for Japan - I thought we should do it quickly so we don't lose the room and our perfect dates. This is when life intervened.
My friend, after 9 months of planning, bailed on Japan. I was so disappointed, because I had been saving and fantasising for so long. I was 100% organised and ready, I even bought a new passport, and just like that, the plan was gone. I could have gone by myself, but two weeks in a foreign country all alone isn't an appealing thought to me. Going to another country and have so much to experience wouldn't have been half as fun without somebody to share it with. I eventually decided to postpone Japan. I still really wanted to go, and was even in the position to go by myself, but I wanted to make sure if I was going to do it, I was going to do it right.
I was a little down in the dumps for a while after this, as we were only just over a month into the year and one of my major plans had already been derailed. To add onto this, work was really stressing me out. This is the internet, so I'll have to keep it vague, but it was not a professional place. There were a lot of red flags, and I'll always regret not quitting. That's right, things were getting intense and just like that:
I got fired. Unfairly dismissed, I should say. If my biggest regret wasn't quitting once I saw things were only going to get worse, it would be not making a complaint to fair work. What they did was unfair and wrong. But you know what.. I'm young. It was the longest job I had ever had, and I was unsure of myself. It's unfair, but it happened.
I entered March extremely depressed and for the first time in years, I had genuine suicidal thoughts. You may think I'm being dramatic, but if you know me personally, you know I have issues with anxiety and the situation I was in was just horrible. The worst part was, none of it could have been prevented. I'm not one to blame other people, in fact I'm usually the one to blame myself for shit that is 100% not my fault. But this time, it really wasn't preventable. I'm not the one who bailed on Japan. I'm not the one who fired me. Life had just happened. School started back up again in March and I was already so emotionally overwhelmed, I didn't think I could handle it.
I could handle it. I am handling it.
In the first week of March, two of my beautiful friends paid for a hotel up in the city for all of us to stay in. We ate good food, went shopping, went clubbing - we even found a bunch of bar cards that added up to over $200 - it was an amazing time. I have people who care about me.
In the second week of March, I got my septum pierced; something I had wanted to get done for ages, but could never do because my job wouldn't let me. I got a hair style I was never allowed, and I love it. I'm trying super hard in school and for the state I entered in, and still sometimes struggle with, I'm doing well.
Life has been so stressful, but I'm getting through it. Shit has happened. So much shit has happened. But for the first time in years, I can say with absolute sincerity: I am O.K.
I'm okay. I'm fine. I am dealing with my life one day at a time. Things are hard right now, but I am okay. I have friends who love me. I have a bright future, it's just going to take a little more hard work. I can't wait to see what the rest of 2016 has to throw at me. I'm ready.
3. I am going to focus on self care and put myself first. ✓
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